I can text with my tongue
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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