The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
