Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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