don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
