ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
