All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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