Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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