They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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