The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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