I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
