Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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