Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
