Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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