i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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