Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
