Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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