Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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