I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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