A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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