my soul wont recognize me after tonight
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
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