I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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