oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
