your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
