Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
