So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
