I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
