ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
