Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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