we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
