Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
