The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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