everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
