apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
false alarm, still single
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