the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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