News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
