I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
