Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
