I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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