Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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