Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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