fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
