I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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