Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
