I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
