this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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