Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
love makes seman taste better
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
