Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize