Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
