I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
