kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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