You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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