You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
