Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
