I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
