He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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