What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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