smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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