I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
