I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
