You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize