maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
