I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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