What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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