She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
