How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
