I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
