I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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